I have been NEEDING a plan to get my Shit Fucking Together. I am so tired of living in the hell that is OCD-PMDD-BPD. It is ruining my life and I am allowing it to. Well no more I say!

But because my life has been so shitty, I don’t really know how to get my shit together? I try and I try and well… the thing is I think I’m trying but I’m not actually trying hard enough, because the stress and agony and rumination has become like a second, outer layer of protective skin. Like, when I’m not stressed, I don’t know what the hell I’m even supposed to fucking do. Not being stressed makes me stressed. It is so unfamiliar; I feel like a piano is going to drop on my head if I allow myself to relax for even a fraction of a second. So no, I’m not actually trying and trying and trying; I’m running into the wall face-first, backing up, doing the same thing a few more times, then throwing my hands up in the air and going “oh well, there is simply no way out.”

But man… there is. I am grateful because there is always a way out of it for me, I just don’t always have the clarity required to understand that. Most of the time I don’t have the clarity to understand that. I want, so desperately, to live my life and have a good future full of joy, and it’s finally time I started putting in, like, actual fucking Effort to get it. I can’t keep stressing out my loved ones with problems that exist solely in my head. I can’t keep torturing myself just to torture myself. I just can’t keep doing this.

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO ENJOY THE LIFE THAT I HAVE. THE LIFE THAT I HAVE IS GOOD, AND IT IS FLEETING. I MUST LEARN HOW TO BE A PERSON. THERE ISN’T A GUIDEBOOK OR A MANUAL, SO I’M JUST GONNA HAVE TO PULL MYSELF UP AND OUT OF THE WATER! LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO STAY STAGNANT AND TERRIFIED! I HAVE TO LOOSEN MY BITE!

But how? I made a list and I’m checking it twice thrice every goddamn morning. I’m working on the worksheets my therapist sent me. I’m going to really apply myself to things instead of just blowing them off with no motivation. I’m going to be the best person I can be. Why? Because I don’t have a choice. Because I am either going to get better, or I am going to die. Not of suicide. Just of stress. And! I’m going to fix my sleep schedule. And! I’m going to be more talkative, reach out to people more, be open. I’m so goddamn terrified of interacting with even the closest people to me but that’s just, well, silly! And!! I’m going to do more things IRL. I have a wheelchair now so things are more accessible to me, and I’m gonna make the most of it. I want to go to the local writing club that meets at my favorite bookstore monthly, and do some open mic events too. I need to be a part of this world because I am tired of being left behind by it, and it’s not going to come up and grab me by the balls and drag me out into living. It only works like that if you’re on, like, HBO. I have to make it my damn self, and I’m going to.

So here’s the little plan I’ve drafted. I am gonna try and stick to this, because I have to. As a deeply psych-critical individual, I struggle with DBT–but I find some of its techniques helpful regardless, so I am just. Grinding my teeth and grumbling through them here.

---

Every day:

Wake up, open bird cage, get coffee/energy drink
Wash face, brush teeth, say affirmations in mirror
Read at least 10 pages
Take at least an hour before getting online if possible
Play cards with family
Do a physical creative project like embroidery or drawing
Journal at least 2 pages every day again

Every 3 days do exfoliant, face hydration mask, cleanser and toner

Plan for issues:

If any ruminating thoughts and insecurities arise, utilize the STOP and check the facts DBT protocol. Stop, literally freeze up, take a step back, and assess the situation. If cannot step back/too heated up, do physical exercise or something physical like rock throwing or punching a pillow until tired out, place ice on neck, then assess the reality of the situation. Reach out for insight to loved ones if needed.

HOW TO CHECK THE FACTS
Ask yourself these 6 questions to Check the Facts

1. What emotion do you want to change?
2. What is the prompting event of my emotion?
   • • Describe what you observed with your senses
   • Challenge judgments and black and white thinking
3. 4. What are my interpretations, thoughts, and assumptions about the event?
   • • What are other interpretations of the event?
   • Look at other points of view.
4. 6. Am I assuming a threat?
   • • Label the threat & assess the possibility of it occurring
   • Think of other outcomes
5. 8. What is the catastrophe?
   • • Imagine it occurring and you coping with it well
6. 10. Does my emotion and/or its intensity fit the facts?
   • • Ask Wise Mind

Other DBT skills, like opposite action to emotion, will likely be helpful. I think focusing on increasing positive emotions and mindfulness will be really important as well.

Other ways to cope:

• Try not to reach out to family unless it is unshakeable; need to learn to self soothe. Imagining something comforting might help, like a f/o scenario, as embarrassing as that is.
• Pet brush feed etc animal or do something in service of someone else. Prepare fruit for my bird or dance with her.
• Go through past messages/posts and realize how far I have come. (Nothing too upsetting and not too often)
• Look back at folder of nice comments people have sent me when I feel sad
• Deep breathing
• Prayer and meditation