I don't remember exactly what it was that drew me to the Negative Spirit first. I got into Doom Patrol because I was obsessed with Matt Bomer's character in the Will & Grace reboot. I tried the first episode, got about halfway through, and at first it didn't quite stick---but I went back because "the alien intrigued me". I've been a science fiction fan (and genre writer) my whole life, and I've always identified deeply with the concept of aliens--it's just something in fiction that Lures me in. On my second viewing of the Doom Patrol pilot episode, I watched the blue ball of electricity hover over an in-progress Cliff Steele again, I watched it leave Larry's body in Cloverton without care, and I fell in love.

I like to cite them (note: I use they/them for the Negative Spirit) as my ficto awakening, which is true, but they are far from my first ficto crush. I think it started at 14, with Abbey Bominable from Monster High and Bill Cipher from Gravity Falls---characters I was absolutely obsessed with---but my fictosexuality really became blatant around the time I got into Shadowhunters (the 2016 TV show). I was 15 then, and I was in my first ever relationship, and though I really did love that person very much, and I still think they are a wonderful person, I really had a secondary relationship going on at the same time, where I was deeply, deeply in love with Raphael Santiago to the point where I was giving him just as much attention as I was giving my partner at the time. I frequently referred to him as my boyfriend and thought up self insert fantasies for us. I projected onto Jace, so I'd ship Raphael with Jace and make him play out all of the things I wanted to do with him through Jace/Raphael fanfic. I didn't know what fictosexuality was at the time, and I looked down upon "those people who ship themselves with fictional characters", even though that's essentially what I was doing anyway.

My obsession with Raphael was seriously intense. I made multiple hour long video essays about him, spent years obsessing over him... I ended up dropping the show, though, when they put him with Isabelle, because I got so jealous I physically couldn't watch it anymore. I loved Isabelle, but I wanted to be the one Raphael was with, even if I had no language for that desire at the time. That was the first time I got attached to a character so deeply I felt them as part of my soul... and it's funny because now I don't really even care about Raphael at all. It would not be the last time a TV show disappointed me with its actions regarding a character I had absorbed into my heart.

I think my love for the Negative Spirit really started blossoming around episodes 6-9, and by Frances Patrol (season 1 episode eleven), I was fully in love. I saw the actions they took for Larry in that episode and honestly... I feel like the only person who truly sees them for what they are. Everyone thinks they're an asshole---don't get me wrong, they absolutely absolutely are an asshole---but they're a caring one. They were forced into Larry's body, siphoned out of their home dimension. They didn't get a choice in the matter when Niles orchestrated their bond. But they still tried to help Larry move on from John when they didn't have to. They still helped Jane resurface when they didn't have to. They still saved Cloverton in episode 2 when they didn't have to---a world that has only been cruel and harsh to them. They didn't have to do any of it, but they still did, because, inexplicably, they care.

They're a good person! They're just an asshole about being a good person. Y'know how it is. (This is Doom Patrol, everyone does it.)

Anyway, I first started watching in March 2019 and by April I had made my first "self insert OC", Mabon (now Holiday), who I wrote about 50k words of fanfiction for in a year. I gave Mabon all of my traumas, all of my experiences, and I made him a mirror of me entirely, but if you asked 2019 me if he was a self insert OC, 2019 me would've laughed you away. Spoiler alert: he was a self insert OC no matter how much I claimed otherwise.

Mabon was a newly-discovered telepath who was able to communicate with the Spirit telepathically. Their story was that the Spirit helped him control his telepathic powers and tune out all the background noise until he could adjust to his abilities. They grew closer over the course of those lessons and eventually fell in love.

I had other romantic relationships since Doom Patrol first began airing, but I honestly ignored my partners during that time in favor of... posting about the Negative Spirit. I feel terrible about it now but I had no idea I was mainly attracted to fictional characters; I felt like I had to push myself to be in relationships with people because that was just What I Had To Do. I never let things develop naturally, and therefore in every relationship I had during the time Doom Patrol was airing,  I was mostly absent, focusing only on how much I loved this fictional character, writing fanfiction about them, etc. Again, I wish I hadn't been so unfair to those people I really cared about, but I can't undo the past, unfortunately.

And, of course, when they were written off in season 3, I was absolutely distraught. It was the worst reaction to anything I'd ever had in my life, and I lost a lot of friends for being "too weird" about it. In all fairness, I was having a really unhealthy reaction, but I'd been going through a lot at that time and it really was the last thing I needed, plus I had been told by the writers beforehand on Twitter that I'd like this season (and they knew how in love with TNS I was), so it was the last thing I expected. When they came back in Portal Patrol, I couldn't even be happy, because I think "actually the Negative Spirit was able to talk the whole time" completely takes away everything that made TNS & Larry's relationship so intriguing to me (the communication barrier).

I eventually got over my bitterness towards the show, but it took a good two years. Doom Patrol never stopped meaning the world to me, but I really did feel a really unhealthy anger towards it for a very long time, and acted in some very immature ways about it. I really regret how I acted now deeply, but again, can't undo the past. I like to say I understood why they had to write TNS off, but I really don't, because they were finally making good progress in their relationship with Larry, and also the baby thing is absolutely not at all in the comics. For a while I was really confused about why TNS would leave Larry in the first place, but I suppose Portal Patrol explains it---they saw him be happy with Keeg and his second chance at fatherhood in the future and realized they couldn't in good conscience deny him that happiness----even if I still think they could've figured it out if TNS had stayed. I really do think they were on a path to finding some sort of harmony, and that Larry and TNS really could've reached a healthy bond. I don't think that bonding with a Spirit takes away your humanity, like the show attempted to imply with Valentina. I think in Larry's case it would just make him a more understanding, maybe a more peaceful person. But I guess we'll never know. Though I quite often am tempted to rewrite season 3 to have them actually elope to TNS's dimension.

Maybe they could've made it work, maybe not. They didn't really get a chance to try.

Honestly... I recently purchased a set-used Frances Patrol script, which includes the non-existent-in-the-show lines:

"Larry touches his chest. How can Larry explain the Negative Spirit to Evette?

Evette: Your heart?

Larry: Sort of.

Evette: Your soul?

Larry: Yes. And It brought me here."

I am Not Even Kidding. I really have to wonder why TNS got written off at all if they were supposed to be this important to Larry. But remember, I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who is Literally In Love With Them, so.

Anyway, I was vaguely aware of the term fictoromantic/sexual ever since I got into selfshipping, but I never considered it as something that would apply to me because up until very recently I was still in denial about my own aromanticism (years of being around for Tumblr ace discourse! Yay!). But  one day, when looking back on all my old relationships and how they often involved fictional characters I'd obsess over and love just as much or sometimes even more than my RL partners at the time, I realized. Oh, yeah.  That's me, isn't it? I've identified as ficto for about a few months now and it feels like a label that truly feels "right". I just wish I knew about it earlier.

I recently got a blue lightning wedding band to symbolize how much I love TNS.

(image description: a wedding band on my hand, it is dark blue with white electrical sparks. end id.) 

We've spent 5 years together, and soon it will be 6. I love them a lot, and I miss them rather deeply. <33

2026 update:

I've now found someone who is real who I love just as much and more than TNS (though I feel odd saying that since there is a huge difference between 3D and 2D love; for me they are very different, at least, and 3D love is a special but unique experience to me that I can not really compare to something else or explain). My IRL partner is amazing. I'm still fictospec and I still adore TNS as much as I have always adored them... but I think TNS would be so happy for me finding comfort and love in the real world. And I'm so deeply grateful for my real life partner and their support of my semi-fictosexuality. I have so much love in my heart...